These are 100 funny (and very cheesy) Christmas cracker jokes

Tis the season to be jolly, so to help things along a little, we’ve compiled a list of very funny (and very cheesy!) Christmas cracker jokes.

Yes, forget the flimsy paper hat and curly red fish – as far as we’re concerned, Christmas crackers wouldn’t be anything without that hilarious slip of paper inside.

So whether you just can’t wait to pull your Christmas crackers or you bought some of those luxury ones that are far too snooty to actually include a joke, we’ve got your back.

Have a giggle right now with this list of 100 rib-tickling Christmas crackers. Yule absolutely love them!

100 Christmas cracker jokes

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

One day my prints will come

When do vampires like racing?

When it’s neck and neck

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?

Twerky

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

Why did the pony need to gargle?

Because it was a little horse

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet

What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?

Neigh-bours

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A chew-chew train

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days

How do snowmen get around?

By riding an ‘icicle

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy

What is the best Christmas present?

A broken drum – you can’t beat it

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette

What has four legs but can’t walk?

A table

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?

Because of his poor elf

What do frogs wear on their feet?

Open toad sandles

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrr

What do you call a blind reindeer?

No eye deer

What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle

How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?

You’ve got three extra hoes

What’s yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas quacker

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick

Why do birds fly south in the winter?

It’s too far to walk

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsillitis

Did Rudolph go to school?

No, he was elf-taught

What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering?

A nervous wreck

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?

Elfis Presley

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve.

How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas?

25 – there’s no-el

What did the farmer get for Christmas?

A cowculator

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Can you smell carrots?

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?

It’s two-tyred

What school subject are snakes best at?

Hisssstory

What do you get if you lie under a cow?

A pat on the head

Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?

The outside

What carol do they sing in the desert?

O Camel Ye Faithful

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

What do you sing a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer?

Beyon-sleigh

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

I don’t like sprouts

What does a frog do if his car breaks down?

He has it toad

Why does your nose get tired in winter?

It runs all day

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barber-queue

What kind of music do elves listen to?

Wrap

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

A Holly-Davidson

Why was the turkey in a band?

He was the only one with drumsticks

What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees?

Hornaments

What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney?

He felt Claus-trophobic

What has four wheels and flies?

A bin lorry

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The ghost of Christmas passed

Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

Why was Cinderella no good at football?

Because her coach was a pumpkin

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

On the dark side

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?

He keeps a logbook

What does a football team do when the pitch is flooded?

Bring on the subs

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can hoe hoe hoe

What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?


Because he had a low elf esteem

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face

Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney?

He was coming down with the flue

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh

What does Julian Assange have with his Christmas turkey?

An anonymous sauce

How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?

No Brussels

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he wasn’t chicken

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate

What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics

Who was England’s first chiropodist?

William the Corn-curer

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a boogie in it

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

How do you stop a skunk smelling?

Hold its nose

What goes ha-ha-bonk?

A man laughing his head off

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?

He’s a fun guy to be with

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

Lost

Why are Chocolate Buttons rude?

Because they are Smarties in the nude

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine

What’s red and white and black all over?

Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?

You

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?

It blew away

Which country has the largest appetite?

Hungary

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

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