Dirty One Liners | Best Jokes and Puns

Today I went to my doctor.
I walked in and said:” Hello I have pain in my lower body.”
He asked where exactly.
I said at my entrance.

He said as long as I call it my entrance it will continue to hurt.

I have a dyslexia fetish.
It makes my spine stiff.

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield…
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”

“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a penis like that!”

There once was a monarch named Ed
Who screwed Mrs. Simpson in bed.
As they bounced up and down,
He yelled, “Bugger the Crown!
We’ll give it to Bertie, instead!”

There once was a sailor named Bates
Who was dancing the mambo on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

A lad and a lass from Aberystwyth
United the lips that they kystwyth.
But as they grew older,
They also grew bolder,
And played with the things that they pystwyth.

There once was a miner named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
When asked “Does she smell?”
he replied “What the hell!
Just think of the money I save!”

There once was a man called Lyle,
Who found a young maiden to defile,
She needed no coercion
So he made his insertion
And polished her off dog style.

There once was a man from the coast,
who had an affair with a ghost,
he had an orgasm in thin ectoplasm,
and got a good feeling almost.

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

There was a young lady from Clyde,
who ate a bad apple & died.
the apple fermented,
inside the lamented,
making cider inside her insides!

On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braille.

At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry

There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?

There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

“You’re better than Mom.”

Said she: “That’s what Dad told me too.”

There was a young vampire called mable,

whose periods were always quite stable,

at every full moon,

she took out a spoon,

and drank herself under the table.

There once was a gal from Cancun,
Who had a most curious poon.
T’was coarse like a thistle,
But tight as a whistle,
And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we’ve had intercourse.
I can’t believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

What do you call a flower getting a s*x change?
A Transplant.

My lesbian friend said that it’s been so long since she made love to another woman, she didn’t know if she’d remember how..
I told her not to worry, it’s just like riding a dyke.

First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors
Now we live in Countries…

What does the sign on the brothel say when it’s closed?
Beat it, we’re clothed.

What girl likes it in all her holes at the same time?
Mrs. Potato Head.

Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn’t fun, was it?
Son: No, it was F*ck.

My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about.
I still wish she hadn’t got one.

When does 1 + 1 = 3?
When you don’t pull out.

As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl’s room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims “no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back.”

How do you get a blonde off of her knees? Cum.

A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert…
After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly “Buffalo come”

“That’s amazing” says the cowboy, “How can you tell that?”

The Indian replies…

“Sticky face”

What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.

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