Clean Senior Citizen Jokes & Cartoons
It’s been said
that ‘Laughter IS the Best Medicine.’ Nothing works faster
or is more dependable to bring your mind and body back into
balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens,
inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you
grounded, focused, and alert. Here’s
to living a longer, healthier, and happier life!
Married
Four Times
The local news
station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had
just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer
asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to
be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s
occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she
wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After
a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when
she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s -
a funeral director.
The interviewer
looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married
four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it…)
– She smiled and
explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go.”
(Oh, just hush-up
now and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) ha!
A
Perfect Marriage?
A man
and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all
of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In
trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down
the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She
agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the
box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a
stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked
her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she
said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with
you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The
little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry
with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He
almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,”
he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,”
she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
Last
year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I
got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had
been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did
we go around!
Just because I’m
blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to
tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last
year.
He said that in
one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence
on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t
called back.
Guess he was
embarrassed.
A
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully,
up onto
a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied,
‘Arthritis.’
A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said,
‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared
at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly
replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when
I’m driving.’
Two elderly women were eating
breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said,
“Mabel,
did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear? “
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and
stared at it. Then
she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where my hearing aid is.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind
him and smacks andim on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?” She says, “I found a piece of paper
in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.” He says, “Jeez,
honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’
was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and
walks away.
Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind
him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying
pan. He asks, “What was that for?” She answers, “Your horse
called.”
You’ll love this one!! An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came
to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up
to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then
the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most
appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh,
Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he
wouldn’t even try!”
A woman on the phone to her
friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of
shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over.
A young man was walking through a
supermarket to pick up a few thingswhen he noticed an old lady
following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored
her and continued on.
Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of
him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you
has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,”
replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye,
Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,”
answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter,
he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He
asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that
you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man buys a parrot and brings him
home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really
nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the
freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a
few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man
opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and
says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your
forgiveness.”
The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive
you.”
The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking,
what did the chicken do?”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening at church service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, “STOP! ACTS 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized,
in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The
woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As
the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
“Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell
scripture at you.”
“SCRIPTURE?!” replied the burglar, “She
said she had an AXE and TWO 38’s!
BEST
EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE –
A woman brought a very limp duck into a
veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed,
“Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I
mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the
bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she
cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just
taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
The church held a “Marriage Seminar” and the Priest
asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary
approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay
married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to
his audience, “Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money
on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our
20th anniversary.”
The Priest said “Luigi, you are an
inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the
audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th
anniversary.” Luigi proudly replied “I’m gonna go and get
her.”
A man is dining in a fancy
restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the
next table. He
has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the
nerve to talk with her. Suddenly
she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air, and hands it back.
Oh
my, I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back
in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she
says.
They
enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After
paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come
to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a
wonderful, wonderful time.
The
next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
“You know, ” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet? “
“No, ” she replies… “”You just
happened to catch my eye.”
An elderly couple had dinner at
another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left thetable and went into the
kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
“Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the
name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought
and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you
give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red
and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s the one,”
replied the man.
He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?”
Lincoln, a young man, wanted to
get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for
their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a
cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he
explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy
goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: “Hi honey”, he
says “how do you like your new phone?”
And she replies:
“I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a
bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though”.
“What’s that,
baby?” asks the husband.
“How did you know
I was at Wal Mart?” asked Lucy.
Hospital regulations require a
wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a
student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet–who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way
down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t
know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.”
A middle aged woman had a heart
attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing
God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman
decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After
her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by
an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I
thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you
pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?”
God replied, “My
child, I am sorry, I didn’t even recognize you!
An elderly gent was invited to
his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He
was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.
The
couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were
still very much in love. While the wife was in the
kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think
it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names.”
The
old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he
said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
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