Tottenham 2-3 Southampton: Players’ ratings on AI-generated Valentine’s Day theme
Who has two thumbs and is back doing computer-generated crap? This guy. Only this time, it’s not mine. Janelle Shane is a huge inspiration to me as someone with a vested interest in AI and what it can create. It was her initial experiments with cyclically generated paint samples that intrigued me and eventually led to the creation of the cyclically generated Premier League. (Janelle has updated the paint swatch experiment with newer AI techniques, you should check that too. The results aren’t much better.)
A recent article by Janelle on her website was timely with references to Valentine’s Day – especially the ones on paper we used to see in elementary school with cartoon pictures and cute words. Can a computer – specifically GPT-3, the most advanced publicly available AI engine currently available – generate some?
It turns out – yes! It’s just… not so good. The cards below not only have computer-generated stages for creating a Valentine’s Day card, but also images that are described by the computer. However, Janelle painted it herself.
Janelle is awesome and you should definitely visit her website aiwierdness.com and buy her book (very good). I took my favourites of her computer-generated Valentine’s Day cards and used them to rate the Tottenham Hotspur players. Just like a person.
To me, this card is the perfect example of an AI-generated Valentine’s Day card. It’s not exactly stupid or stupid or weird (these will come later!) – AI seems to be really trying it out. It knows it’s not human, so it passes its clumsy advice about the holiday to its friends, so anyone who finds it odd can blame them instead of it. Why chicken? IDK, but there should be more chicken on the valentine card, so I can live with it. This is a masterpiece.
No player from Tottenham is as good.
I have nothing to add here. marvelous.
The only thing I can figure out here is that the AI is designing a Valentine’s Day card as if the giver was actually a cow. It’s weird, but honestly, why not? Why can’t cows send Valentine’s Day cards? If you accept that premise, then this is a good example of what I imagine one cow might give to another. Or to anyone, really. Bonus points for grabbing a cupcake with your hoof in some way.
Hugo Lloris (Community – 3.5): Sure, he scored three goals, but if anyone looked good from this game, it was probably Hugo. He made some huge pauses to keep the game from becoming a blowout. It’s a shame the defense forced him to make those stops, but that’s why you want a player as good as him between the sticks.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community – 3.5): This guy. good good good good! Came on as a substitute for Hojbjerg and immediately helped stabilize the midfield. Also showed a good passing range – I was told he couldn’t pass the ball! He should start every game from now on.
Friends, I can’t decide from the myriad of AI-generated card options that all have…let’s call them “non-traditional” Valentine’s Day animals. So I picked four of my favorites and let’s call it a draw. These are great because it really makes the AI seem like they’re saying nice things, even if they’re acting really weird. But the emotions are there, kind of! Honestly, I think each of you is a snail’s gesture, and I mean it.
Son Heung-Min (Community – 3.5): Looking as lively as anyone on the Spurs. Scored one goal and actively participated in another. Pretty decent outing, all things considered (but yes, I’m scoring on the curve).
Honestly, I can’t decide whether a swordfish that isn’t afraid of clowns, an eel that really knows itself, or a jellyfish that contemplates the capriciousness of fate best illustrates the ideal of a vacation. Sign: Attention.
Sergio Reguilon (Community – 2.5): honestly? not bad. Missed a shot from close range, on the replay it was more of a great save than a bad decision, which turned out to be a good left out when Tottenham didn’t have much to do .
Cuti Romero (Community – 3.0): I was impressed with some impressive passing and defensive play early on by Couty, but ended up underwhelming as he got sucked into any horrific vortex rooted in the Spurs’ backline. When the Spurs fell apart, there were a couple of times of getting caught watching.
Harry Kane (Community – 3.0): A couple of great efforts and a couple of great passes as he drops back into the position of the others, but he’s not well-served from this midfield and isn’t as effective.
Lucas Mora (Community – 3.0): Yes, he was involved in the preparations for two goals (and had a lovely assist on the second), but I found him very frustrating in other ways and a very part of the right side of Suck™ , often out of position and not with his teammates. Honestly, I feel like I’m overestimating him here.
Yes. Plants suck. Happy Valentine’s Day darling, your absolute bread!
Ben Davis (Community – 2.0): Not his best moment. Slipped on Southampton’s first goal and was spun multiple times by Broha. Still not the worst guard on the Spurs.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community – 2.5): Not exactly an impressive outing and (probably) partly responsible for Southampton’s second goal. He also got a pass because he’s been here for a week and doesn’t know The Patterns™.
Antonio Conte (Community – 2.5): I’m starting to think that the way to beat Conte’s team is to leave them forgotten and screw up The Patterns™, and this Spurs team doesn’t have the confidence or talent to save games when they’re down. That said, it was clear from the first half what was wrong and it took Conte a long time to work it out despite their good goal.
When you absolutely must tell your Valentine’s crush you hate them and want them to leave, attach the image of a dragon.
Emerson Royal (Community – 1.5): Yes, you see – he’s not very good. In fact, he was bad. A lot of the rhetoric also seems easy to forget that just three days ago against Brighton he was one of the best players on the pitch. There’s a good player there and I think his mistakes are exacerbated by the players around him. But gosh, that was a nightmare.
Harry Winks (Community – 2.0): This is the Harry Winks I remember. I started thinking (hopefully) that I might never see that person again. This is Winks’ performance in the Mourinho era. I’m guessing any magic potion Conte gives him will fail when he warms up.
Devinson Sanchez (Community – 2.0): Obviously we got bad Sanchez on Wednesday. Dropped the ball many times, got caught watching the ball many times, had a poor pass. This man has a lot of blame, but he definitely deserves it.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community – 2.0): Similar traffic cone propensity to Winks, with the added “benefit” of terrible passing, too. Having said that, I still think he should stay on the court and not Winks.
AI-Generated Valentine’s Day Nihilism: It’s Actually Good!
No Tottenham Hotspur player is as bad as this AI-generated Valentine’s Day card (but God is my temptation).
Tom Carroll Memorial Unrated
Steven Bergwijn (although he almost saved the game)
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