These are 100 funny (and very cheesy) Christmas cracker jokes
Tis the season to be jolly, so to help things along a little, we’ve compiled a list of very funny (and very cheesy!) Christmas cracker jokes.
Yes, forget the flimsy paper hat and curly red fish – as far as we’re concerned, Christmas crackers wouldn’t be anything without that hilarious slip of paper inside.
So whether you just can’t wait to pull your Christmas crackers or you bought some of those luxury ones that are far too snooty to actually include a joke, we’ve got your back.
Have a giggle right now with this list of 100 rib-tickling Christmas crackers. Yule absolutely love them!
100 Christmas cracker jokes
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come
When do vampires like racing?
When it’s neck and neck
What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing
What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack
What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone
Why did the pony need to gargle?
Because it was a little horse
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles
What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew-chew train
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer
What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days
How do snowmen get around?
By riding an ‘icicle
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
What has four legs but can’t walk?
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards
Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?
Because of his poor elf
What do frogs wear on their feet?
Open toad sandles
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrr
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer
What’s round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle
How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?
You’ve got three extra hoes
What’s yellow and dangerous?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s too far to walk
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf-taught
What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering?
A nervous wreck
Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas?
25 – there’s no-el
What did the farmer get for Christmas?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?
What school subject are snakes best at?
What do you get if you lie under a cow?
A pat on the head
Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
What carol do they sing in the desert?
O Camel Ye Faithful
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence
What do you sing a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer?
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
I don’t like sprouts
What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He has it toad
Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
What kind of music do elves listen to?
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
Why was the turkey in a band?
He was the only one with drumsticks
What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees?
What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney?
He felt Claus-trophobic
What has four wheels and flies?
A bin lorry
How did Scrooge win the football match?
The ghost of Christmas passed
Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars?
Their days are numbered
Why was Cinderella no good at football?
Because her coach was a pumpkin
How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?
He keeps a logbook
What does a football team do when the pitch is flooded?
Bring on the subs
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can hoe hoe hoe
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low elf esteem
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face
Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney?
He was coming down with the flue
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
What does Julian Assange have with his Christmas turkey?
An anonymous sauce
How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn’t chicken
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate
What do you give a man who has everything?
Who was England’s first chiropodist?
William the Corn-curer
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it
What do you call a cat in the desert?
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
How do you make an octopus laugh?
How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose
What goes ha-ha-bonk?
A man laughing his head off
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He’s a fun guy to be with
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Why are Chocolate Buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine
What’s red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away
Which country has the largest appetite?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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