Fraternity boys Cupid and St. Valentine appear on Valentine’s Day

Fraternity boys Cupid and St. Valentine appear on Valentine's Day

Fraternity boys Cupid and St. Valentine appear on Valentine’s Day


Two weeks ago, the loveless River Campus students who were trying to bury their grief in productivity were graced with the presence of figures of the day: the historical representation of Cupid and St. Valentine.

Early risers, still wiping away tears from morning sobs of “Oh God, I’m going to die alone”, amazed to find Evans Lam covered in discarded animal organs, smelling of sulfur, pain and indescribable abstinence sex education The smell of the classroom. The culprit? A looming figure in a black tailored robe, dragging chains and a mysterious red liquid was later described in UR SecretSafe 2.0 as “the worst strawberry dip I’ve ever tasted”. The mysterious hunk was revealed as the undead Saint Valentine, who died after being beaten and beheaded for an illegal wedding under Emperor Claudius (the concept appeared directly on the reporter’s “wedding inspo” Pinterest board) !

For some reason, our boy St. Val quickly gained a trove of Compsci fans bouncing on small mammal bones, pen-wielding autographs, and longing for, uh… a painful path to love? Speak with the shamrock metaphor? Unfortunately misrepresented, has your feast of martyrdom become the most commercialized festival of the century? Anyway, someone overheard Valentine admonishing the students to “indulge in the pleasures of the flesh in the all-seeing eye of our Lord, you brazen fallen ones,” and it cleared their interest: they were just traitors.

When lovelorn Wally started terrorizing Starbucks and its countless couples for trying to make the stained brown sofa an ambience, the student body had secured a protector: Straight from Psi U, wearing a full Abercrombie, pushing up sunglasses in mid-February, Cupid flew into the Hearst Lounge, breaking the UR’s only decent architectural feature, and roared: “Let you feel my love!” Tell the entire DKE sworn class that if we don’t give up, we’ll never find love.”

Upon seeing each other, frat boy Cupid and filthy husband Saint Val shook hands like gentlemen, spat directly into each other’s mouth, bowed, and began a graceful waltz (Cupid of course spearheaded).Three dips and one dip door Later, school pioneers – through work-study positions offered by the Ministry of Middle Minds – announced that the most noble lords would settle their disputes through a “trial of three.” One can only assume that this constituted a sort of mystical duel ritual — or perhaps the second weirdest courtship I’ve encountered.

The first trial was a test of courage, asking our intrepid mystery man to suspend a case of Genny Lite by his ankles from Rush Rhees’ fire escape. Since Valentine is an invisible ghost and Cupid has wings, it’s not as interesting as one might hope. For the second assignment, Wit and Wit, the quiz club was asked to make another Jeopardy slideshow on “Lurve thru the Ages,” with questions ranging from Cicero’s goat fetish to Will and Kate’s honeymoon drama. At 30 seconds into the race, Valentine had a stunning victory by reciting all the “Bachelor” series contestants named Lauren from the past eight years. When asked to comment, his only response was, “They make me feel.”

The third and final trial naturally involves an inner matter: everyone is challenged to get someone’s number in Dougie’s spaghetti row. Faced with the threat of a real conversation with the woman, Valentine chose to run away as fast as his slippers, ghost feet, could take him, and has not been seen since. Cupid, the onetime Casanova, told Lady Love he tried that he “never saw eyes like hers” and that she “should totally come to our next mixer, brothers will be cool. When prompted, the unnamed student shrugged and showed us her Tinder prospects before telling us: “I guess it’s really all men.”

Now, a fortnight after all the huggers of cuddling season have gone their separate ways, let’s reflect on our shortcomings and thank us for politely speaking out about our little differences in the engineering phalanx (instead of writing passive-aggressive parables) because Our recently broken relationship with the school newspaper). Skeptics, poets, otherworldly gods fighting for domination, what do you have: Love that blinds us all.

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