Do you want Nigel Farage to be your lover?

Nigel Farage promotes personal video message for Valentine's Day gift

Do you want Nigel Farage to be your lover?


As you may recall, in the months following the Brexit referendum, there was a lot of talk about Britain going global. No longer tied to the Brussels bureaucracy, we can now do whatever we want. This is good news. As one man put it in 2016, shortly after the vote, “more global opportunities” await him, for you, for the UK.

Six years on, I thought it might be good to examine that guy to see exactly what he’s doing with these “increased global opportunities.” And… gosh. Nigel Farage, because it really was him, was standing in a dark room under a squeamish neon blue sign that read: “thrillz.” Probably Soho. Probably TV X (sister channels: 40+; Bangers; Dirty Talk). “Call now and I’ll untie the tie. Terms and conditions apply.”

It’s disgusting that the truth is not as different as you might hope. For Nigel Farage, dubbed ‘Mr Brexit’, he’s now selling personalised Valentine’s Day messages for £74 a copy. The only question is: do you hate your partner as much as Farage hates himself?

“Stick to an idea?” he asked (et toi, Nigel?). “Nigel Farage, you can book my exclusive thriller and send this special message to your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or whoever you call them.” I can politely suggest Do you call them your ex?

To my astonishment, an opportunity was missed here. Wouldn’t it be better for Farage to play the relationship axe for us out of Europe? “Feeling held back? Want more freedom to trade your goods with other men, women, or whoever you call them? You can book me, Nigel Farage, to break up for Valentine’s Day. Vexit means Vexit .”

Alas, this guy wants to play Cupid. But at least you can try it before you buy (it must be said, this is not a perk offered in the UK in June 2016).

Yes, some people have already paid £74 for Nigel Farage’s personalised Valentine’s Day message, and they’re as romantic as you’d expect. “Well, hello Emily, this is Nigel Farage, don’t shut down,” he said. “Even though you are left-handed, this is a cold dose of real life for you. I love you more than life itself, you truly are a blessing in disguise on the left […] I can’t wait to spend the rest of my liberal, left-leaning life with you. “

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Poor Emily. You’re lying in bed on Valentine’s morning wondering if it’s flowers, chocolates, or theater tickets when your partner rolls over and shoves the phone into your face. “What is it? Can’t we just enjoy being in bed together today?” But they insisted. just looking! “Even though you’re left-handed, it’s a cold dose of real life for you.” It’s really hard to imagine this going well. Hey, but only £74.

For Nigel Farage, that really shouldn’t be the case. In just a few short years, he went from being described as the most important politician of a generation to promoting himself on a website called Thriller, with his usual mischievous laugh, but without a doubt, Each hoarse syllable became more atrophied.

“If only I’d been elected to parliament just one of the seven times I tried,” he must think to himself, as the thrillz autocue rolls on and on. “If Theresa May accepts me to help negotiate a trade deal with the US If only I hadn’t been in the front room all day, showing Valentine’s Day messages on screen to people I didn’t know. If only…”

We’re going global – but that shouldn’t stop you from giving Nigel Farage a thought this Valentine’s Day.

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