A Possibly Fake Valentine’s Day Wedding at the Jane Hotel

A Possibly Fake Valentine's Day Wedding at the Jane Hotel

A Possibly Fake Valentine’s Day Wedding at the Jane Hotel


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Frankie Jonas delivers his best man speech. Photo: @muhstee/Instagram

This isn’t exactly news to me, and it probably isn’t to you, dear reader, but my dating life has been a train wreck. The plan for 2022 is that I’ll start dating slightly older, more stable men, but so far I’m stuck with 23-year-olds who don’t care if I live or die.It starts with inviting the boys from the Upper East Side all His friend came to our date and forced me to fake an emergency exit. Then the Williamsburg boy took me to dinner and told me he didn’t actually want to date me, he just wanted to go to a party with me. Of course, I also developed a debilitating crush on a boy I went to college with, not to mention: my heterosexual friend; a model I don’t actually know who lives on my Instagram; and my real ‘s good friend. Meanwhile, I found my ideal wedding dress this fashion week. All I want this Valentine’s Day is someone to take me to Lilia for dinner. Are you asking too much?

Anyway, since I’m a masochist, and I obviously don’t have any plans for this fake vacation, I decided to take my best friend as my fake date for a possibility hosted by heiress and artist Ivy Getty fake wedding. Maybe you remember her top non-fake wedding last year, officiated by Nancy Pelosi, with Anya Taylor-Joy as bridesmaids, and performed by Earth, Wind & Fire. Apparently, Ivy and her friend producer Adam Faze (Olivia Rodrigo’s ex, by the way) decided to throw a party so that Ivy could also officiate at the Jane Hotel – a quaint Greenwich Village place where both Famous for both. Throwing parties and hosting extramarital affairs in its ballroom (there are now plans to turn it into a private club). A few days ago, Ivy posted on her Instagram looking for a young couple willing to tie the knot in front of a group of strangers, and two young women accepted. I still can’t say for sure if the marriage is official, but I’ll just say that right now I’m probably not too eager for someone to put a ring on my finger.

10:44 PM | Unlike most Friday or Saturday nights, no one was waiting outside the Jane Hotel in the cold, save for a few bodyguards who checked our names off the list and gave us red kiss stamps to let us in. Inside the hotel’s ballroom, a moody evening hotspot covered in red leather and oriental rugs, with a few chandeliers and a very poor disco ball hanging overhead, only a few dozen people were playing “Best of My Love” mixed together. No one seemed to know anything about tonight’s wedding, including a pair of Parsons students dressed in clothes only Parsons students would wear, who gave me “cheers” by bumping our Telfars together. The prospect of meeting the cutie seems low.

11:22 pm | In the bar, the troubles of love are on everyone’s mind.a fashion “I think my boyfriend is a swinger,” the writer told me, saying she canceled their Valentine’s Day plans after finding him rubbing married women’s legs at a Fashion Week party a few days ago. “Isn’t that cheating? Isn’t… swinging?” I wondered aloud, but she kept saying it was swinging. How many times have they dated? two. Does she have any other evidence of his bad behavior? Do not. “I’m so happy to see someone fall in love tonight,” she said, genuinely delighted. Next, I talk to three handsome gay Colombians in fitted suits who come here as each other’s platonic lovers. “I’m not a broken hearted person. My heart is broken,” one of them told me. “US all There is a boy problem. ” Yes.

11:45 pm | The ballroom is starting to fill with fewer college students and more verified people to watch tonight’s extravaganza, including some NYU girls, some fashion editors, and even more influencers, I heard a guy is famous for basketball athletes, some gossip Girl Including Paul’s Casablanca employee Eli Brown, riverdale star, and a stand-up comedian in a beret who told me her name was “Chawki, like bukkake,” plus things like “I’m Gucci” and “I’m just a dude”, totally is spontaneous. Presumably, she didn’t try new material on me. On the dance floor, a visibly intoxicated woman in a plaid skirt vaguely ordered me, “Ask me what I care,” and replied, “Be nice and make other people happy.” Although when she rubbed on me and my friend I hate to admit it didn’t make us both happier. “I was just beginning to get upset with it,” she cried, undeterred.

11:55 pm | I asked around Adam, the owner of the party, but no one seemed to know where he was, and even those who claimed to know him told me they hadn’t seen him. It’s either cluttered or deliberately a little bit of Mr. Gatsby.

midnight | The clock strikes midnight, Valentine’s Day gives way to February 15, and the wedding party takes place at the top of the stairs above the dance floor. One of the brides, Isra, 21, wore a heavy tulle white vintage dress with red lipstick all over her face, and the other, Tati, 24, wore a button-up pinstripe suit with a long Long, very sexy looking, curly red hair.The crowd turned their attention and iPhones to the couple and collectively shouted Shhh! So officiating Ivy Getty can speak. “It’s a gift and a joy to find someone to spend a lifetime with. Committing to share our brightest days and our darkest nights with someone is not something to be taken lightly,” she began, before posting a few more A quote about “the profound power of trust” and “patience, forgiveness, devotion and hope”. Not everyone is so patient. “Come on, everyone is bored,” whispered a man standing next to me as the others threw me another Shhh!

12:05 am | crowd influx Woohoo! When best man Frankie Jonas (you read that right) hits the stage with a cowboy hat, Poirot tie and red nails. “Hi everyone. My name is Frankie Jonas,” he began, prompting a chorus of what is? He started his speech with some sort of brag (“I’ve spoken at a couple of really lavish weddings, and I’ve been great at every one of them. So, it’s another week for me. One”), then started joking/digging shtick to prove that he had indeed done this before (“I was baffled when Tati told me she wasn’t going to marry a scrawny, traumatized Instagram tiktok boy. But when she told me she would Married to a 21-year-old… old Jennifer Coolidge, I’m very happy”). He then delivers some gibberish clichés (“She’s generous, she’s lovely…she’s someone who can really nurture things that are hard to nurture”) and a very confusing conclusion (“Sometimes water Requires soap to work”).

12:07 AM | I asked my good friend if we should get married next and he didn’t say no, but he didn’t say yes either. do not Cry.

wedding party. Photo: @muhstee/Instagram

12:08 am | Ivy goes back to the “altar,” after one “I do,” another “hell yes, I do,” and trades fondant rings (“Ring Pops in stores are sold out”), Ivy declares , “The investment in me by the authoritative American Marriage Ministries, the trust of all of you today, I now declare that you are in love.” The couple kisses, Ivy throws petals from the balcony, and someone in the crowd screams “Gay rights!” Loudspeaker Start playing “Rasputin,” a ’70s song about a big, hard-to-kill Russian mystic. Romantic! “Yes, give it up for the beautiful bride!” Frankie yelled into the loudspeaker, like the host of a basketball game.

12:20 am | I met the petite girl who caught the bouquet. Unfortunately, she caught a thorn rose that was thrown from the second floor, leaving her mark. “Is she next?” my friend asked. “I’m dating a girl right now, so maybe,” she said, before giving away most of the roses. There seemed to be a lot of debate in the room about whether the union we just witnessed was legally binding.

12:25 am | Finally, when the party really started, the newlyweds took to the dance floor with a blond couple, two-stepping, with Aperol spritzes balancing on their heads. Someone gave me a “probiotic fudge” but when I saw a bag of red, white and blue fudge rings (wedding rings I guess) I noticed they actually said “patriotic” Fudge”. The fashion writer told me she found the ceremony “touching” but gays in Colombia were less enthusiastic. “It feels weirdly aloof and cold,” one of them criticized, before rushing to the bar with a group of girls, shouting after him, “We’re pretending to be straight!” On the other side of the room, I found a The boy I met in college, he hadn’t seen for three years, I thought he might be a potential lover, I approached him with a smile. “I’ve seen you before. I don’t want to say hello,” he said, adding, “Your hair is different.” I quietly instruct my hot friend who was with me to kiss and stroke my dick while he watched. Face. Will I cry tonight?

12:30 am | I found newlyweds holding court at a booth next to the bar and went over to congratulate them. They told me they were a fashion photographer and stylist they met through a mutual friend last August. They said they were both “yes” so they jumped at the chance to get married without hesitation. “Honestly, it wasn’t a very important decision,” Tati told me. I asked her bride Isra what she liked about her new wife and she replied: “She is ambitious and a lady boss. I’m like a more passive lady boss. She inspires me to do my best Be a female boss.” Do they have any advice for single people like me? “YOLO everything. Promise me. Say yes to everything. I found myself unable to follow that advice many times at the STI clinic.

12:40 am | I spotted Ivy Double Punching Dirty Martinis and asked how the idea came about. According to her, when she posted on Instagram about her wish to get married on Valentine’s Day, she received over 300 replies (at the party the next night, when we finally met, Adam told me it was 30 replies) , when she saw a DM from a bride tonight she mistook her username for a friend’s and agreed to make them the chosen couple. Despite the misunderstanding, Ivy was pleased with the turnout and glad she was able to repay the Speaker’s help to her. “Reading your chart takes longer than getting an appointment!”

12:55 am | In the bathroom, I ran into Frankie, and he told me, “This is the first time I’ve been to New York nightlife.” Um, welcome? He said he was having dinner with the brides last week (he was careful to say it was at Sona, his sister-in-law Priyanka Chopra Jonas’ restaurant) when they told him they were getting married at a party in New York. “I’m like, damn it?” he recalls. Still, he told me he was Tati’s best friend (they met on TikTok last year) and after meeting her soon-to-be wife (last week), he just had to be best man.

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