30 funny jokes and memes by Bemorepanda
Anyone can make an annual list of serious New Year’s promises himself. And we decided to cheer you up and remind you that New Year’s fun is just around the corner with this list of the funniest New Year promises.
1. When meeting with friends, I will stop telling the same jokes. Or make new friends.
2. I will not worry about trifles. I will start to worry more – because of the melting of glaciers, the extinction of the Amur tigers or global warming.
3. I will stop sparing the feelings of other people if they do not spare mine. If a stinker sits next to me, I’ll name him!
4. I will develop my imagination. Thinking about where to go on vacation with the old dollar exchange rate.
5. I will not bore the boss with the same reasons to take a day off. I will come up with many new ones.
6. I will wash less and use more deodorant.
7. I will save water and stop taking a bath.
8. Give up chocolate.
9. I will try to understand why I need nine different email addresses.
10. I will stop writing emails to my spouse.
11. I will start working with neglected children – my own.
12. I will stop simultaneously talking on the phone with one person and writing letters to another.
13. I will spend less than one hour on the Internet.
14. Before installing new equipment, read the instructions. If I can find her …
15. I will spend less time with my friends, and more – with my spouse.
16. I will respond to regular emails with the same enthusiasm as to emails.
17. I will stop answering “LOL” when I hear a joke.
18. I will stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during the inspection at the airport. It seems that this is only
19. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier stall.
20. In the morning I will brush not only my teeth, but also my tongue.
21. I will stop abusing drugs that taste good.
22. I will start removing the refueling nozzle BEFORE leaving the gas station.
23. Before using a public toilet, I will always check for toilet paper.
24. I will try to drive at a speed that is at least a little closer to the permitted speed.
25. I will try to keep a safe distance from behind the police car.
26. I will not blame my younger brother for wetting my bed. Especially if I don’t have a younger brother.
And I live alone. And in general I am 30 years old.
27. I promise to clean my room once a week, even though I cleaned it only once in the last year.
28. I will wear clean underwear every day. Yes, I’m such a spender!
29. I will stop showing tricks with explosives.
30. I will read less.
31. I will gain weight so that my mother no longer calls me skinny.
32. I will cut back on sports. Too much exercise is dangerous for your health.
33. I will watch more TV. I’ll review all the programs I missed over the past year.
34. I will make a list of people who annoyed me last year, to annoy them in this.
35. I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.
36. I will eat more sweets. And less nasty things like fresh fruits, vegetables and nuts.
37. I will work less and have a simpler attitude towards life.
38. I will play more computer games. Scientists say it’s helpful and develops visual skills. But we always knew that, didn’t we?
39. I will make myself a bad habit. Ideal people are loved less!
40. I will spend more money on useless things. So I will have even more gifts for the people who annoyed me last year, see paragraph 39.
41. I’ll start driving more carefully, there are too many dents from bodies in my car.
42. I will start helping my girlfriend carry purchases from the store. It’s not good when she is carrying 10
kg of potatoes, and I am a pack of cigarettes.
43. I will stop keeping the dog on a diet, otherwise it somehow began to look at me badly … Better to be fat, but with a live owner.
44. I’ll quit the casino. I will redeem the things pledged because of him. At least an apartment, winter is on the nose.
45. Going to watch a horror movie, I will not drink excess liquid.
46. I will never again combine sleeping pills with laxatives.
47. I will stop watching films with the resurrection of the dead. Stop watching vampire movies. I’ll stop watching movies with Jason Stethem and movies with happy endings. Anyway, I’m quitting the movie!
48. I’ll stop calling TV shops – I’ve been on the line too long. And then, for some reason, big bills for telephone calls come and the ordered goods do not arrive.
49. I love my family, so I will no longer cook for them.
50. I promise to keep my New Year’s promise. At least a whole week!
51. I will try myself in the stand-up genre to accelerate my career change from accounting to comedy.
52. I will stop translating the alarm clock several times in the morning.
53. Find a new job and stop chopping ham in the supermarket for rude shoppers.
54. I will post more selfies on social networks.
55. I’ll start reading books again.
56. I will pump myself cubes on the press, so that I have something to remember in old age.
57. My husband and I will give up all our bad habits in order to conceive a super-baby with super healthy
genes, and then we will return to them again. I am not kidding!
58. Finally, I will open a diving center.
59. Move to New York.
60. I will make a bicycle myself.
61. Typing LOL to the interlocutor, I will actually laugh, not just on the screen.
62. Like 14 years before that, I will again promise to stop procrastinating.
63. I will stop getting drunk at corporate parties and dancing on the table, telling nonsense to my boss. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll find a new job.
64. I will not sign up for any new course on anything next year!
65. I will wear more purple.
66. I will not miss a single meal a day.
67. I will try to cope with my nomophobia (fear of being left without a mobile phone or being in an area
68. I will not buy anything on www.amazon.com for a whole year.
69. I’ll quit reading comments, online articles, blogs and more on the net!
70. I want to yawn when I go to bed, not when I get out of bed in the morning.
71. I will eat more greenery.
72. I will try to find a way to stop receiving mail-order ads for pizza and dentists.
73. I will master the pose of a headstand in yoga.
74. I will overcome old fears and find new ones to overcome them again.
75. I will spend more time sleeping.
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